Author: Penny L. Haider
Publisher: Outskirts Press
Paperback, 192 pages
ISBN 10: 1432715631
ISBN 13: 9781432715632
The Book Depository / Amazon
Goodreads description:
Sometimes, the Only Way to End a Destructive Relationship is to End All Contact.
This book isn't about learning to recognize the signs of an abuser. You already know you're in an unhealthy relationship. The trouble is, it's not always easy to just walk away.
In No Contact: Ending A Destructive Relationship, author Penny Haider (herself a survivor of domestic abuse) shows you how you can take charge of your life and break contact once and for all with an abusive partner. If you find yourself attempting to leave a destructive relationship, but keep going back even when you know you shouldn't, No Contact will give you the tools to help you grow into a stronger person.
Haider even provides an extensive list of online resources, phone numbers, and organizations for individuals who are trapped in destructive relationships.
"Making a life partner choice is the most important decision we ever make," says Haider. 'Our health and happiness hinge on that decision. The wrong choice can cost us financially, for sure, but more importantly, it can suck the life out of us, taking us up and down an emotional roller coaster, and playing havoc with our physical, mental, and spiritual health."
Rather than just describe how to get out of a bad relationship, Haider shows you how. No Contact provides a strong shoulder for you to lean on when you neeefd it the most.
My Take:
In No Contact, the author has written a primer in language that is clear and direct on how to recognize a destructive/abusive relationship, and what to do to prepare yourself to get out and stay out, and on how to build up your own self-esteem. Unlike many of the books I have read on this subject, especially those written by someone who has previously been in a destructive relationship, it is not preachy, accusatory, or proselytizing. When the author relates a personal account, it is matter-of-fact: here is what happened, here is how I reacted, here is how I should have reacted. I like how the author takes command of her own actions, as looking inside of ourselves is more important and bears more fruit than trying to figure out why someone else does what THEY do.
There are clear resolutions for those exiting a destructive relationship, and methods to keep you from entering into new bad relationships: how to recognize red flags, how to change small things in your life, and how to become comfortable and happy with yourself before bringing a new person into your life.
I remember stating to someone I was dating who was on a rant about "something" they felt I did wrong or "something(s)" that were wrong with me (honestly, I was tuning him out, so I'm not sure what the rant was about), "If it makes you feel better about yourself to put other people down, knock yourself out." (Needless to say, I didn't keep dating that person). The author here echoes that in a statement, "It makes them feel better about themselves if they can make us feel inferior." Small statements like that can be enough for a reader to recognize those nagging feelings they've had about a present relationship enough for them to step back, look at the whole picture, and realize that the reason they're unhappy is because they are with a destructive person.
Although the book could have used a copy editor (there are some typos here and there and missing or misplaced punctuation), this doesn't take away from the overall message.
The book is very realistic about what someone leaving will feel, and even allows that there are sometimes "relapses" where you may talk to the person you left or even allow yourself to re-enter the relationship - even if you do this, it's important not to let yourself be pulled right back into the destruction. Keep your boundaries and stay true to your own self and interests.
One of the best and most direct books I've read on this subject, I would recommend it for anyone who is or has been in a destructive relationship (which doesn't always have to include physical abuse; emotional and/or financial abuse is just as damaging), or for anyone who knows someone in a destructive relationship.
QUOTES
Above all, don't be so dependent on another person, that the value you place on yourself is determined by the attention they pay to you.
Once you have made it clear you're no longer interested don't take their calls and don't open the door to them.
(On dating a new person): This person should enhance your life, not cause additional stress or make you feel guilty for continuing with your interests and hobbies.
BOOK RATING: 4 out of 5 stars
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Disclosure: I received a complimentary copy of this title from the author to facilitate my review. No other compensation was received and I was not required to post a positive review.
